Helping support your child’s behaviour and social skills

Start with respect and a loving relationship

Giving their child the confidence to speak for themselves is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give, and just because your child is deaf should not alter your expectations for them. You will need to be consistent and imaginative in the way you help and guide them but we are here to help you along the way.

Like anything that grows, children grow from the roots up. The roots must be firmly planted in good soil, a warm and loving relationship based on mutual respect. Your child is more likely to accept the limits you set for them if you recognise them as a person with their own needs and rights and desires. They will test the limits on occasion because this is how they learn.

If you treat them with fairness and make them feel listened to, they will probably respond, in time, with respect for your authority. When your child is particularly pushing those boundaries, try and remember their childlike nature, their curiosity, their need to test their new-found independence. Remember the child you would like them to become, the one that will speak for themselves and lead from the front, whilst also remembering their need to develop an understanding of what is right and wrong and respect and feeling for others.

The world can be a confusing place

The world is full of new people, emotions, experiences, sensations and feelings for your preschool child. These experiences can often be divided into:

• Experiences that are fun and exciting:
  • ones which your child embraces immediately and probably wants to repeat again and again!
  • these are generally quite easy to identify but less easy to divert your child from if it is time to move on!
• Experiences that are new, confusing and perhaps a little frightening:
  •  these experiences may be upsetting for you and your child because it is hard to support them with reassuring words and explanations
  • different children will respond in different ways to these feelings – some will withdraw and become subdued, others will get upset and clingy, others will get angry and act out
  • finding strategies to help your child through these experiences is vital so that they can deal with future situations confidently
  • avoiding such situations is not always helpful – your child needs to grow and expand their horizons by experiencing new situations and emotions as understanding their and others’ feeling, and how to deal with these feelings is a critical part of your child’s development.
• Experiences that are frustrating and annoying and get in the way of what your child wants to do!
  • witness the tantrums, tears and – on occasions – awkward situations with other children!

Your job as a parent is to be the detective and to work out – even though your child is unlikely to be able to describe what they are feeling (few children this age can, hearing or not) – which of these feelings they are experiencing, what is the cause, and how best to help them.

This can be a difficult task for any parent, but when your child’s communication is delayed, it can seem particularly daunting. However, so much depends on our children learning the ‘rules of the game’ for behaviour that we must not shy away from addressing the issues.

Society demands our children respond in acceptable ways to different situations, most important of these being in social situations. Teaching your child how to play nicely with others, to share and take turns and, in time, to empathise (see something from another person’s perspective) will put in place the foundation stones for their social communication and ability to form meaningful, lasting and successful relationships with family, friends and work colleagues (in the longer term). We’ll take a look at this on the next page.

Simplify your life where possible

Think about what you can do to avoid situations you know cause problems. Here are some of our suggestions:

Think about your house

Children get particularly annoyed when they are stopped from doing things they want to do – by taking a few simple steps, you can avoid situations before they happen!

Put child locks on cupboards your child should not go into and put gates up and/or catches on doors of rooms you want to be out of bounds, for example siblings’ bedrooms.

Your child will quickly learn these places are unavailable – this is not just a safety issue, but also reduces the number of times you must say “no!”

Designate play areas

If possible, designate a small area of the house which is set up for your child’s play.

Perhaps there is a child sized table and chair with a little storage for their toys and books that could be in the corner of a room. Protect the floor underneath and keep this for messy play such as painting or play-dough.

Your child will soon understand that this is where the fun play happens and you shouldn’t have to tell them not to play with things in other areas of the house quite so often!

Don’t underestimate the importance of routines for your child:

Your child is constantly trying to make sense of their life and they need to feel that they have some control over it.

You may have noticed how much your child enjoys your routines, perhaps bath time or meal times, and relies on the familiar habits you as a family have when you go through these routines. This is because when there is a familiar routine they can predict what will happen next. This, in turn, allows your child to be more proactive and involved in the activity because they know what is expected of them.

Some children are more dependent on routines than others. It is not uncommon for children to want to have the same plate and cup for every meal, or insist on wearing the same clothes, or for them to become upset if they meet someone such as a nursery teacher outside of the environment (eg nursery) that they associate them with. They might love that individual, but they associate them with one place and get upset when they are not doing what they expect them to do.

It is important that you support your child by ensuring there are familiar routines that your child knows and in which they are able to participate. As well as helping to make your child feel secure, they also provide wonderful language opportunities because your child is relaxed and confident and likely to be more engaged.

However, it is also important that you gently help your child to understand that their world does not come to an end when there are changes to their routines.

Give your child boundaries and be consistent!

All children need to learn what is – and what is not! – acceptable behaviour, and it is your job as the parent to teach them this. The fact that your child may have delays in their language does make this trickier, but never the less you need to find a way to help them. Avoiding dealing with situations only builds problems for the future.

Whilst children are very young, certain unwanted behaviours are quite common – and,  for example, it is not surprising to see a preschool child pinch, kick or push or grab. However, once they are in primary school they are expected to know that certain behaviours are wrong and if we have not helped them to learn this before they start school then we are setting them up for problems further down the line. Unless your child has additional needs which prevent them from understanding simple, visual pictures there is no reason why we cannot help your child to understand.

Use visual aids

Visual aids are often a very effective way to bridge the language gap at this time, and takes away the need for your child to understand spoken explanations.

Most children respond very positively to praise for good behaviour and love seeing a happy face. For some this is reward alone! Others might need something a little more concrete! Alternatively, when your child needs more guidance and you are trying to show them that something is not acceptable, you can use visual aids to help you explain. Once you feel confident that, by using these materials, your child fully understands why you are displeased, you are likely to be more comfortable reinforcing the boundary even though your child is unhappy. When you know that they are simply having a tantrum because something is not going their way, and not because they do not understand what is going on, you will find it much easier to be consistent and follow through.

A face tells a thousand stories!

Whether you are letting your child know that you are happy or displeased with a particular behaviour, make sure that you are very clear with your own expressions and body language.

For example, if your child puts their toys away when you ask, make a big deal out of it, by pointing to your face and saying “Mummy is very happy that you are tidying up! Look how happy Mummy is!” Alternatively, if they are refusing to tidy up point to your face and say, “I am not happy! You need to tidy up!” Give them plenty of time to see your face and really let it sink in.

Happy/sad faces!

Here at The Elizabeth Foundation we have found that the children become familiar with a couple of printed and laminated faces – happy and sad – and respond well to them. We keep them with us throughout the day and use them to reward good behaviour and highlight when we are not happy with something. Many of our parents also give copies to other nursery settings or carers so that behaviour management is consistent.

 

Stickers are great!

Preschool children just love a sticker! Using stickers to reward good behaviour, be it eating all of a meal, or using a potty, or going to bed without a fuss, can be very effective for a while. Children do often bore of stickers in due course, but as a way of establishing good habits in the first place they can have a useful role to play.

Understanding emotions

The activities in this lesson help you to introduce some basic emotions to your child so that they can begin to understand not just that they might be feeling happy or sad, or angry or surprised, but others might also.

Learning how to relate to your family and friends is a crucial skill for all children – and your child may need a little extra assistance to develop their social skills.

Social development – home life provides the foundation

Your home is the first and most important place where your child will learn social expectations, cultural practices and values.

As part of your family, your child first learns about themselves and then about others. There are several kinds of relationships in a family: between parents; between parent and child; between the children (if you have more than one child); and between the child and extended family members (such as grandparents, aunt, uncles and cousins).

While each relationship is different, mutual respect should be at the core of each. Help your child understand the actions of other family members or friends. Your child will learn best by your example. Through observing what you do, your child will learn how their actions or words can make others happy or sad. Your model will help your child understand feelings or ideas that are difficult to explain to any preschooler.

Relationships between parent and child

Your relationship with your child and your other children (if any) will help your child understand how other authority figures (such as teachers) might treat them. Set rules for your child’s best interests. Discipline when necessary, but keep your child’s rights and needs in mind. As you do these things, it will be easier your child her to develop a positive attitude toward all authority figures. Mutual respect for your child’s feelings will make the relationships you have with them and your other children even stronger.

Interacting with friends at nursery school and in playgroups

The relationships your child has now with any siblings or neighbourhood playmates provide their first opportunity to learn how to interact with their peers. This will be important to your child throughout their childhood years, and as they move into adulthood, as well.

Naturally you want your child to play happily with their friends. However, if their friends have normal hearing, you might find that language limitations can create a challenge. It is during these preschool years that you will begin to guide your child in learning how to interact with their peers.

If your child is very young, you can invite another child and their parent over. This is your opportunity to explain to the other parent how their child can best communicate with yours, so they can then explain this to their own child. Keep your suggestions short and begin with just one or two. As the two of you watch your children playing together, you could encourage them to say things like, “Joey, don’t forget that Tommy can’t hear you when you aren’t looking at him. Remember to look at him.”  “Karen, show Brenda how to use that toy. She didn’t understand all your words.” As children grow up together, they naturally learn the best ways to communicate with one another.  Your guidance and positive attitude will set the foundation.

The keys to helping your own children learn to play together are to reinforce good behaviour, to demonstrate (or model) appropriate behaviour, and to give praise. (This is done while children are playing together.) You reinforce when you say, “Good for you, Tom. You remembered to show Jimmy the picture while you told him about it.” Praise might be, “I love how you are both playing with that truck. You’re sharing. That’s fantastic!” Your smile reinforces your spoken message. Let your children play naturally. As they play, provide the help they might need.  Most children learn in this matter-of-fact and comfortable situation.

Your child might prefer to interact with adults because they are more patient in trying to understand them. However, the ability to relate to adults does not necessarily transfer to playing with other children. Children have their own rules and their own interaction skills. Adults must step back. Your child needs the opportunity to play with others of their own age and to speak for themselves.

For example, your little one is able to play with a friend using one toy with simple social contact. They have a toy garage and a toy lorry that your child’s friend is pushing. Your child wants to push the lorry. They reach out and their friend pulls away. They are communicating in a non-linguistic manner. The next stage, then, is for your child to begin using their expressive language to communicate and you will help in this process. Demonstrate the correct language for your child by saying, “May I have the truck?” Their friend will probably say, “No.” What is important at this point is that they are communicating and that you have guided your child in their communication. They have expressed themselves! Remember that some social interactions between children involve negotiating the play situation. You can demonstrate the appropriate language by saying, “Let’s take turns.” Allow the other child to reply and it will probably be, “Okay. Me first.” You can then show an appropriate response such as, “First it’s your turn; then it’s my turn.”

It is very tempting to be too involved in demonstrating all of the language for your child. The key is to strike a balance. Try to let the children communicate as best as they can and only provide appropriate language to help them move on to another stage.

The vocabulary of play at nursery school

No matter what age your child begins preschool, she needs to be prepared for the language that her friends will be using as they play: “That’s mine!” “He pushed me.” “You’re it.” “Take turns” “Line up.” “I fell down.” These are all very important for your child now. How do you teach them this language of interaction?

One method for teaching “playground vocabulary” is to use books. Find pictures of children playing together and talk about them. If there is a park or playground nearby, spend time just watching youngsters play. Using short, simple sentences, describe the action: “They’re running. They’re playing tag.” “She’s next to bat.” “He scored a goal.” “Oh! She’s out.” “They’re skipping.” As you talk about what’s happening, your words will have meaning for your child. Help your child understand what is happening and help them learn how to tell you about it.

Looking at pictures or at other children playing is not the same as ‘real life.’ It might be difficult for your child to transfer this book knowledge to their experiences. This is when it becomes even more important for you to make your home a centre of activity for your child and their friends. Invite them over frequently. Then, help your child use language for their interactions. Any child who does not have the appropriate language may use gestures, and so will yours.  Your job now will be to give them the language: “My turn.” “I go first.” “You win.” It will take many opportunities to listen, but the words will become part of your child’s vocabulary as you guide them in interacting more and more with other children.

Helping your child respond to teasing

Many parents worry about their preschool children being teased, and many children are teased. It might be about their glasses, weight, noses, teeth, or their hearing aids or speech processors.

To enable your youngster to face other children’s teasing, your child needs to have a good sense of self-esteem. Praise your child for what they do well: they run fast; they draw well; they can set the table for dinner. Let them know that everyone is good at different things.

Your attitude and the attitudes of other family members (such as brothers, sisters and cousins) are the most important. If you think of your child as unfortunate in any way, they are likely to learn to ‘play’ that role. Your child can still do chores and be responsible for themselves. Your child may not hear well, but you should treat them just like all the others in the family when it comes to behaviour and expectations.

Most important is that your child has a good base of love and understanding at home. When your child comes home, they must feel safe, understood and valued. They must be able to communicate and they must be an integral part of the family. When your child feels good about themselves and confident of their abilities, your child will not be adversely affected by occasional teasing now or as they get older, if that happens.